Attention: This post gets a little gross. Read further at your own risk.

You have been warned.

I discovered at least one thing I want yesterday. And it is a very petty, purely self serving sort of thing.

But I really do want it.

I want to have a decent looking lawn. Well, more to the point, I want to be able to afford to pay someone else to maintain a decent looking lawn.

I’ve written about my disdain for yard work in general several times before, so it’s no secret. But just in case you might need a “Chris Cree hates yard work” primer check out these posts: Start with Yard Work to see an example of why I don’t like it in the first place. Then move on to Resident Evil and The Lesson of the Dog Poop to read about some hazards of working in my yard. Of course there are some times when it is useful to have a yard to mow as you can see in A Fool and His Anger.

Yesterday was another one of those “hazards of yard” work days.

The first thing I had against me is that I really don’t like going to the doctor. It makes sense, really.

I’ve run out of my allergy meds. And it has been over a year since I’ve been to my doctor because, fortunately, I haven’t been sick in a while. At least not sick enough to go see the doc. But they have a policy that they will only write out so many refills before they insist that you come into their office for a visit. Now I’m not apposed to going to the doc. I just don’t like to go in unless I’m sick. I don’t want to hear the “You’re in pretty good shape but you really should eat a little less and exercise more” speech. I know I should. I don’t want to pay for an office visit to hear it again.

The unfortunate result of my doctor visit hang up is that my sinuses are producing vast quantities of yuckiness. (Please remember I warned you this was going to get gross.)

It was tempting to let the yard go a bit longer. My neighbors have sure seen worse. However we’ve got some company inbound today and it is my job to make sure the outside of our place is presentable.

So, as is my custom, I waited until it got to about 88 degrees before I went out to cut the grass yesterday, just to make sure it was as unpleasant an experience as possible. I still haven’t figured out how I manage to do that almost every time. Or why.

Gorgeous had the presence of mind to head for the mall, smart lady that she is.

Did I mention it is love bug season? I left that part out. Love bugs are weird things. They are mostly harmless. The good news is they don’t bite. They seem to come out here and in Florida in large swarms for only a week or two. They are called love bugs because you almost always see them in pairs like in the photo.

They aren’t normally much of a hazard, except for your car. They have this nasty tendency to smash themselves all over the front of your car and windshield. Then in the hot sun their guts bake on and are hard to get off as they eat away the paint or get smeared around by your wipers.

But they truly were swarming yesterday. And the mower seemed to stir them all up. Fortunately there weren’t any bities out because I kinda got numb to having insects crawl on me because the love bugs were everywhere.

So anyway there I was out in the heat walking back and forth behind the mower producing more snot than a tear gas victim at a Miami riot. Every now and then I’d take a break and go inside, both for a cool-down and a kleenex. I’d try to hold off as long as possible and just keep the snotting to a minimum with some serious sniffling. Snort. Snort. Snort. All around the yard. I’m sure the neighbors were digging that scene.

Do you see where this is going?

I was about halfway finished with the back yard, just at the point where I could catch a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel of yard work suffering, snorting my way through, when it happened.

I snorted just as a pair of love bugs flew by my nostril. And up they went.

Fortunately I didn’t feel them go down the back of my throat. But I could swear I felt them crawling around inside my head. It definitely was a kleenex emergency of the highest order. I abandoned the mower, quickly made my way to the kitchen and grabbed yet another kleenex. And I blew into it. Out came the bugs. Drowned in my snot.

Totally gross for me. Fatal for them.

Now you can spare me the lectures about how I brought this on myself. I know that. Regardless the experience didn’t do much to improve my total dislike for yard work.

But it did make me realize how much I want to be able to afford to pay someone else to do it for me.

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